I’ve been privy to some conversations recently with girlfriends, and surprisingly they’ve been less-than-glowing in regards to previous suitors. I know–this never happens–right? And I’m thinking, what could possibly redeem these situations? Could anything have been done (I mean, besides relationship counseling)?
As an avid reader (and fledgling writer) of paranormal romance there are certain, well, trends I can’t escape noticing. All paranormal suitors possess a number of key elements that your average man sometimes lacks. I mean, first off, these typical heroes live in books, custom designed for the heroine, waiting with baited breath on every word she says. They are also superhuman in many ways, but again, they live in books.
What if we had access to a paranormal finishing school, of sorts? Would you send your partner, or ex, off for some ‘refinement’? How’s this for a top ten list of possible enhancements?
1. Mysterious superpower – Something wonderfully powerful, but not pesky enough to get in the way. Vampire? Sure, but still able to have sex and procreate without blood flow, even if that defies science–okay? Werewolf? No problem, just don’t force him to be a beast when the moon is full unless he wants to be. Fairy? Well don’t let him read my mind all the time, and I’ll keep the iron to a minimum, alright?
2. Sexy, smoldering eyes – Everyone loves those eyes, the ones that undress you with a glance and linger on every curve and caress every hollow. Eyes you want on you for hour after hour–or is that just me?
3. Kissing – Sometimes you need soft, gentle kisses. Sometimes teasing taunts. And sometimes you need lips that ravish and pin you down, stealing your breath and robbing you of conscious thought. Sometimes.
4. Heartthrob Body – And with the instant hard pecs, washboard abs, and perfectly shaped rear you also get god-like stamina as a side-benefit. Of course that stamina can be fully sated by his perfect partner and no other.
5. Kama Sutra Knowledge – Because all that stamina only goes so far without some creative application applied. Too much of a good thing gets dull pretty fast if it isn’t changed up, and happily our otherworldly schoolteachers are only too happy to fill in the gaps.
6. Intuition – And it’s about time! Finally, he knows when you’re pissed, and he knows when you’re just needing space. You’re connected, in the same skin, and he knows what you’re thinking right after you do. It’s wonderful and electric.
7. Cooking – Every mate will learn to be an outstanding cook at this supernatural school. Food is an intensely sensual experience, and a perfect opportunity for seduction.
8. Wardrobe/Hairstyle – Metrosexual mode activated! No more worries if the socks will match, or the tie and belt will match the jacket and shirt. Now, he’ll handle it better than you do! Just be prepared, he’ll know colors better now and will most likely feel confident enough to speak up when your lip gloss doesn’t match your outfit. Don’t take it personally, he’s not nitpicking, just trying to help out.
9. Wooing Arts – Flowers when you least expect them but most need them. A sweet love letter falling out of the pages of the book you’re reading. A small box of chocolates next to your purse. The little things that mean a lot, and promise more seduction later.
10. Devotion – After all, what’s the use of this newly spruced up sexy wooing machine if he doesn’t utterly worship the very ground you walk on? So ladies, prepare for your man to focus all his new skills on the center of his universe, you!
Ladies, I give you your man, post paranormal finishing school. Did I leave anything out? Did I go too far, or not go far enough? What would you add instead to our paranormal finishing school? And if it existed, would you use it?