I’ve always had this habit: I pay inordinate amounts of attention to what’s going on around me. Some might call me hyper vigilant. Others might go so far as to call me nosy. I beg to differ. When others are being discreet, I beg off and simply study body language, the nonverbal cues which weave the fabric of a person. Other times, a person lets it all hang out, leaving honestly nothing to my imagination. I mean, c’mon, make me work for it a little! I’m a writer! I like the stories in my head (generally) better than the ones you come up with. Because, well, usually people are boring.

But, um, tee hee, sometimes they’re not. So not. In fact, people say the most ridiculous things in public. I’ve saved you some doozies I thought you might appreciate from my recent encounters. My friend Steven Montano had mentioned noticing similar trends, so we both decided to gang up on y’all on blog about it together. We’re not mentioning names, simply things you’d be embarrassed of if you were involved. Happily, you weren’t. Were you? 😉

1. Older alcoholic man is going to meet with his lawyer and discusses how long he’s been sober and upstanding and doing his public service with his middle-aged daughter. They discuss his need for a liver transplant. Have I mentioned they are both stinking drunk? I mean, I could light a match and they’d flare up? Neither is able to walk in a straight line, and the daughter is very worried her father won’t make it to the appointment with the lawyer on time, again, but she can’t go with him because she has to get to work. (Because she’s in such shape to be working, no?) They’re both talking incredibly loud, at one point the father asks me if I think he’s drunk. I smile politely and answer yes. (I’m not a bitch, but I’m not a liar either.) He just shrugs, and tells me he’s always drunk, and can’t help it, but the lawyer needs to believe he’s sober. I nod, and he smiles back, and then it’s time for him to try and find his lawyer. *sigh*
2. There’s a young teenage couple at the local Starbucks, obviously breaking up. She’s curled up and in a defensive posture while he slowly, unemotionally deconstructs their relationship publicly. I gave him credit for 1) picking a place where she couldn’t blow up on him nuclear style, 2) he could control the end and start time of the entire conversation, and 3) wow he’s quite the manipulator for his age. His next girlfriend deserves a warning letter. It’s late, so there are few gawkers, just me and another person working late on the buckies wi-fi. Her fat, rolling tears continued for my entire #1k1hr writer’s sprint. I didn’t listen to their conversation specifically because I was listening to my Pandora Tool station, but seriously, how many teenage breakups do you have to see to innately understand?
3. Two twenty-something college students gals discuss how difficult boys are to understand. (This one cracks me up. I mean, in my humble experience as a woman, chicks are overly complex, and men are clear as a blue sky to read. So whatever.) So because her man is so confusing, the put-off female is going to cheat on her boyfriend to teach him a lesson. I mean he’s not spending enough time with her, after all. Right? Right? What did he do? Not answer a question she failed to ask? Nevermind, it boggles my muddy mind at this moment.
4. Another two twenty-something college student gals, one of which is quite irate, sit across from me. Her beau gave her an STD, so she’s clear he’s been sleeping around, but he says he can’t help it and he really really really loves her, so she’s sticking with him. (Gotta love her sticking by her half-committed man!) But then his mom has the gall to kick her out of his house, which was a total skank move, because the gal is the one who buys the groceries! Now that’s not fair at all, is it? Nope, if you buy the household groceries for your cheating boyfriend’s mom, she should let you crash at her pad. It’s an unwritten rule. Or something. Now the chick catches me staring, well, gaping at this conversation and asks, “Well?” expectantly. I nod my head vigorously, frowning in consternation over how she’s been wronged by the skank mom. It’s just not fair! I mean, she’s a twit, but if she wants to crash with her cheating beau, well hell, she bought the groceries. Am I wrong?
5. Two guys, college students (are you seeing a trend?) discuss their straights with a good deal of indignation. I’m just going to try and roll with some rather colorful dialogue here for you.

Guy A: So I says to him, should I call you a piece of shit, or a pile of coprolites? (I’ve added in the wiki link for you here, in case you didn’t take Anthropology, like I did.)

Guy B: Goddammat man, I have no idea what da fuck you jus’ said.

Guy A: Precisely. I told that fucker that’s why I deserved my degree, but he still said no.

Guy B: Asshole.

I dunno. Although it’s not the best presentation of his case to his Advisor, he certainly did present his awareness of learned knowledge. Gotta give him some credit.

That’s the short list for this post. I’ve gone on long enough, I think, for today. But I’ll start storing up another pile of doozies for my next Wait, What? list. Because you know it won’t end. People just can’t seem to get enough of letting it out in public.

Hopefully, that person isn’t ever me! 😉

Now don’t forget to head over to Steven’s blog for another list of things he’s heard too. Feel free to share with us your, um, scientific findings as well. We’ll keep them entirely confidential. Well, web confidential.